Filed by Commander Lauzon, Lauzon MMA Defense Forces
Classified Level: Tiny Ninjas Strike Team (our bravest ninjas), Vipers & Cobras
Soldiers,
Our annual end-of-year holiday skirmish is upon us. Intelligence confirms that Operation: Nerfghanistan will commence this Saturday at 1400 hours (2:00 PM) at Lauzon MMA HQ.
This will be a high-energy, foam-dart-flying conflict zone… in the safest, funniest way possible.
Below is your official mission briefing. Study it well. Share it with fellow operatives. And above all:
DO NOT SHOW UP BEFORE 1400 HOURS.
Early arrivals will be repurposed as human sandbags. (Seriously — we need time to set up the trenches.)
🪖 Deployment Instructions
Arrival Time:
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Report to base at 1400 hours sharp.
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Gates do not open before 1400. Anyone breaching the perimeter early may be placed on latrine duty (or worse… paired with Dennis).
Rules & Engagement Protocol:
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At 1415 hours, we will hold the official Rules of Engagement Briefing led by Field Marshal Lauzon and Special Advisor Sergeant Major Matt Perry.
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Anyone missing this briefing will be assumed to be operating rogue and may be neutralized by a 6-year-old with a Fortnite blaster.
🔫 Weapons & Tactical Gear
Approved Artillery Includes:
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Nerf blasters of all kinds
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Sidearms, long rifles, Mega artillery, foam-grenade launchers
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Single-shot budget pistols you found under your couch
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Anything brightly colored and incapable of actual harm
Prohibited:
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Ballistics exceeding “Nerf dart traveling at a disappointing 3 mph”
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Real smoke bombs (Dennis…)
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Anything that requires a background check
Goggles:
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We have nearly 100 pairs of standard-issue eye protection.
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If you have your own goggles, bring them — especially if you’re a veteran of last year’s campaign and remember the “Fogged Lenses Incident of 2024.”
🧱 Field Layout: Trench Warfare
This year’s battlefield will feature:
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Two opposing trenches
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A no-man’s-land where darts go to die
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Barriers, bunkers, and cover positions
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Zero tolerance for kids charging the front line at Mach 2
Brave soldiers who want the full “I regret nothing!!!” experience may take the front positions and expect a high-dart environment. Those of more “strategic temperament” may hold the rear and plink away from distance.
All combat styles welcome. Accuracy not required.
🎒 Civilian Participation & Allies
Siblings:
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Cleared for deployment.
Friends:
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One buddy per soldier is acceptable.
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Bringing your entire school bus is not.
Parents:
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May bring snacks, rations, energy bars, fruit trays, tactical gummy bears, etc.
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Optional: Stand behind the trenches and observe the chaos like generals who didn’t sign up for this.
🍕 Rations & Morale Boosting
At 1500 hours, a resupply drop from Cape Cod Café will arrive.
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Pizza for all operatives.
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No soldier left behind.
Parents may bring additional food items as long as they do not violate the Geneva Confection Convention (no candy canes deployed as stabbing tools).
🌪 About the Smoke Machine
Reconnaissance has confirmed:
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Dennis Jones is still lobbying for smoke machines or “light fog effects.”
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Final approval is… pending.
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(Look, if we give him fog, he’ll want lasers next. This is a slippery slope.)
📸 Propaganda Materials
We’ll be taking photos and video just like last year — glorious action shots, heroic poses, and at least one kid dramatically sliding behind cover like they’re in a Michael Bay movie.
Parents, feel free to share the images. Hashtag suggestions:
#Nerfghanistan #FoamDartFreedom #LauzonMMA
🎖 Final Notes From Command
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Show up at 2 PM, not 1:30, not 1:15, not “we were in the area.”
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Goggles on at all times.
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Respect the trenches.
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Eat pizza.
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Have an absolute blast.
The goal of Operation: Nerfghanistan isn’t victory — it’s mayhem, laughter, and one impossible-to-clean floor of darts.
See you on the battlefield, soldiers.
— Commander Joe Lauzon
Lauzon MMA Defense Forces